Finding Yourself Again After Becoming “Mom”
It happens in the smallest moments. You’re standing in the bathroom at 2 AM, hair unwashed for days, wearing a shirt decorated with mysterious stains, catching your reflection and wondering: Who is that woman looking back at me? Finding yourself after becoming a mom can feel overwhelming. Maybe for you it was during a rare solo grocery trip, realizing you’d been wandering the aisles in a daze, savoring the strange silence, when someone called your name and it took a moment to remember that yes, you do have an identity beyond “Wyatt’s mom.”
Or perhaps it struck during a conversation when you couldn’t recall your opinion on a book or film because you haven’t finished anything that wasn’t a board book in months. This is the challenging middle ground so many of us experience after becoming mothers, trying to bridge who we were before with who we are now. We recognize parts of ourselves, but the full picture has changed. We’re in transition, figuring out how to integrate our pre-mom identity with our new reality.
When Motherhood Overtakes Identity
When I connect with other mothers struggling with identity after having children, this theme emerges repeatedly. One minute you’re a person with hobbies and opinions about politics, the next your conversations center entirely on your children.
I experienced this myself. For nearly a year, my playlist consisted solely of the Frozen soundtrack’s “Let It Go” because it calmed my special needs daughter. Artists I once loved were forgotten, along with playlists that had defined entire seasons of my life. When I finally played my own music again—even just during a shower—it felt like reuniting with a part of myself I’d stored away.
Between midnight feedings, endless laundry, and keeping track of appointments, milestones, and permission slips, there’s hardly energy left for the woman who existed before “Mom” became your primary identity.
We promise ourselves we’ll return to writing that book, reconnecting with that friend, or pursuing that passion project just until the baby sleeps through the night, just until preschool starts, just until life calms down. But motherhood has no finish line, and “just until” stretches into months, years, even decades of postponing our own growth.
I see you putting off your doctor’s appointment because someone else’s needs seem more urgent. That coffee growing cold on the counter tells the story of your interrupted moments. I see you wondering if you’ll ever feel like yourself again.
Simple Ways to Reconnect With Yourself After Becoming a Mom
What if reclaiming yourself doesn’t require a dramatic transformation? What if instead, it begins with small, consistent efforts to remember who you are beyond your role as a mom? Here are seven practical ways to reconnect with yourself during this season of life:
1. Respect your body’s journey
Shift your relationship with your body from criticism to appreciation. Choose movement that feels good rather than punishing. Try activities you can enjoy with your children, like family walks or dance parties in the kitchen. Move your body because it feels good and makes you strong, modeling a healthy relationship with physical activity for your children.
2. Maintain your creative outlets
Find smaller, more flexible ways to express your creativity. Keep supplies accessible for brief creative moments. Adjust your expectations, a 10-minute sketch or a simple craft project still counts as creative practice. Focus on the process rather than the finished product.
3. Prioritize adult friendships
Make regular connections with friends, even if brief. Text a friend during nap time. Schedule a monthly coffee date. Join online communities related to your interests. These adult conversations remind you of the parts of your identity unrelated to parenting.
4. Adapt your previous interests
Think about how you might modify activities you once loved to fit your current reality. You might not have time for weekend-long projects anymore, but you can find smaller ways to engage with your passions. Break activities into short sessions, simplify your approach, or find versions that can be easily started and stopped. Even 15 minutes of connection to these interests helps maintain that part of your identity.
5. Establish small periods of solitude
Find brief moments of alone time to reconnect with yourself. This might mean waking up 15 minutes before your family, taking the long way home from work, or enjoying a shower without interruptions. These aren’t selfish indulgences but necessary resets that make you more patient and present for your family. Even five minutes of quiet can help you remember who you are beyond your role as a mom.
6. Track your personal growth
While documenting your children’s milestones, don’t forget to notice your own development. Keep simple notes about new skills you’re learning, challenges you’re overcoming, or ways you’re changing through motherhood. This helps you recognize your own evolution rather than feeling like you’re standing still while only your children grow.
7. Feed your intellectual curiosity
Keep your mind engaged outside of parenting topics. Listen to podcasts during chores, read articles during lunch breaks, or join a monthly book club. Small doses of intellectual stimulation remind you that your brain works for more than remembering schedules and managing household logistics. Your thoughts and opinions on the broader world still matter.
Why Self-Care Isn’t Selfish
Society often presents motherhood as a series of sacrifices, setting up our children’s needs in opposition to our own. This creates an impossible situation where we feel we must choose: be selfless or be selfish. Be a good mother or be fulfilled as a woman.
To this false dichotomy, we say: nonsense.
You don’t have to choose between being devoted to your children and committed to your own growth. Taking care of yourself isn’t something that happens at the expense of your children; it happens alongside caring for them. You can make the necessary sacrifices motherhood requires while still maintaining reasonable boundaries that protect your identity.
Our children benefit when they see us as complete people with our own interests, relationships, and needs. They learn that taking care of yourself isn’t selfish, it’s necessary. They discover that love doesn’t require completely erasing yourself.
The Journey of Identity After Motherhood
Finding yourself after becoming a Mom isn’t about returning to who you were before children. That woman who stayed up past 9 PM and had no opinions on sippy cups no longer exists, and that’s okay. Motherhood has transformed you, strengthening you in some places, softening you in others, expanding your capacity for love.
This journey is about integration, combining who you were with who you’ve become to create something new: a woman who both mothers well and lives fully.
The path isn’t straightforward. Some days, you’ll feel lost in motherhood’s demands, when showering feels like a luxury, let alone pursuing creative or professional goals. Other days, you’ll recognize yourself again.
Identity often reappears in unexpected ways. When I returned to writing after having children, motherhood had given me a new perspective, more focused on what truly matters. My writing now incorporates experiences my pre-mom self couldn’t have understood: sleepless nights, a child’s perspective, and the reality of raising children.
Be patient. Small, consistent actions create meaningful change.
Remember, taking care of yourself doesn’t take from your children. You’re showing them what it means to live authentically, set healthy boundaries, and pursue interests that matter to you—valuable lessons they’ll carry forward.
Your identity isn’t something to recover after motherhood, but to discover through it. We’re all navigating this same path, finding ourselves through daily practices that acknowledge who we are now.
What’s one small thing you do (or want to do) that reminds you you’re more than “just mom”? Even if it’s something tiny, let’s talk about it in the comments.
P.S. If you have a story about finding yourself after becoming a mom, whether it’s big or small, I’d love to hear it. Email me at erica@woodburned.com for our community feature. No perfect writing needed, just your real experience. We learn so much from each other’s journeys
